Co-written by syphilis and MIOM| Tafokints

If you’re new to the Smash Scene and need help getting along with female smashers, this guide is for you. Here are 8 pieces of advice to help you and your game!

1. If a girl feels uncomfortable around you, that means she likes you.

When you approach a girl and start talking and if she starts awkwardly turning away from you or giving short 1-word answers, this means she’s playing hard to get. Keep talking about the things that kept her “interested” until she has had so much of you that she has to leave.

2. If a girl starts being friendly, that means she wants to be romantically involved with you.

If a girl begins to approach you and start chatting, she means business and wants to be romantically involved. Forget that this might be a normal interaction between two human beings and that she is in fact a person. Maybe you’ve never had girls talking to you and this may be completely new territory for you as a gamer that normally hangs around only men, but, trust me, she really wants you.

3. Hang around the girl and watch her from afar

Girls love it when they get attention, so to help this, watch and observe the girl from afar. Make sure she knows that you’re watching her every move from a distance. This will give you the mysterious ninja vibe that everybody loves. Bonus points if you can remember facts from her facebook that she clearly didn’t mention to you before.

4. Compliment her Smash playing skills by mentioning she is good for her sex/gender.

Trust me on this one. Girls love it when you mention that she’s so much better than all the other girls. Forget that she might actually be good at the game period. Make sure to mention the favorite:

“You’re amazing for a girl. I’ve never played a female smasher that’s this good”

Also, make sure that you refer to the girl, not by her name, but by another male smasher’s possession. Props to you if you mention her boyfriend’s name. (“ ____’s girlfriend”)

5. Check if she’s available

If you want to begin to be romantically involved with a girl, you need to make sure she’s not already seeing someone else. A good way to check, but not appear too obvious, is to ask “Where your boyfriend at?”. This way you are not overtly asking her “Are you seeing someone at the moment?” which may come off as too personal.

6. Build your online relationship with her

Like and compliment her facebook pictures no matter how outdated they are. Don’t worry about coming off as creepy, because hey, what’s wrong with complimenting someone?

7. Talk about statistics of Smash until she explodes

Did you know Yoshi’s parry has a 6 frame window? I sure don’t care, but she will! Make sure to impress her with frame data and percentage information. The more numbers the better. If she becomes overwhelmed, it’s because of your sheer knowledge of the game. She admires you.

8. The Male Stench

Forget all the facts about taking a shower and being clean. Don’t you know that girls love that tournament stench? So forget to wash up and deodorize. The sweat you perspire throughout the tournament is really attractive. Studies show that sweating releases pheromones which turn girls on. #science

Editors’s note: This is satire. Please treat women with respect.